SODOR – Confusion and delay reigned on the North Western Railway today after its Controller, Sir Bertram Topham Hatt, was crushed beneath a tank engine while reviewing switchyard operations late on Saturday. Authorities were not immediately able to determine whether Sir Hatt’s death was simply the latest misfortune for this notoriously accident-prone railway system or should be classed as a suicide. The Railway has been in dire financial straits following a series of serious accidents over the last few years, including numerous collisions, fires, derailments, and, in one spectacularly unfortunate incident, the destruction of a chocolate factory by a runaway train. Family friend Alicia Botti said that Sir Hatt had been despondent since the Railway’s insurers cancelled its property and liability coverage in October, and that he despaired of ever being really useful to society again.